In my newsletter, where I share various content related to sexuality, I asked about the common perception that men are ‘baboons.’
This perception suggests that male sexuality is uncontrollable and ‘primal’—something to be tolerated, accommodated, and ensured its fulfillment.
Of course, this perception is mistaken, as countless men can attest to their surprise when they hear that this is what women are being taught.
I proposed a small experiment and asked: Where did we learn that men are like this? From whom did we acquire the firm belief that ‘this is just the way it is’?
To my surprise, within two days, I was flooded with interesting responses (many were unsurprising, yet for the women sharing them, this was the first time they had articulated these experiences).
Due to the importance of these testimonies, I have compiled them here for public awareness.
In my view, simply putting these statements in writing—black on white—has the power to spark change.
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Excerpts from Responses:
Age 30, Haredi
I grew up believing that men have no control over their urges, that they see a woman and immediately “undress” her in their minds, that they constantly desire intimacy, and that this is their most essential need. If we don’t “feed” them immediately, they will lose control, and we will suffer the consequences.
An older woman once gave me “wise advice”: Every morning, put an apple in your husband’s bag so that if he comes home hungry from work, at least he has something to calm him down until you prepare his meal.
Age 37, Religious
At a seminar when I was in 12th grade, our teacher “reassured” us:
“It’s okay if a young groom wants intimacy every day—it doesn’t mean he isn’t righteous.”
Throughout high school, we were constantly taught that when a boy sees a girl taking off her sweater or playing with her hair, it “does something to him.”
Age 44, Religious
I generally remember the feeling that men were like ticking time bombs—that a single exaggerated movement or a moment of absent-mindedness on my part could make them “explode.”
I specifically recall a seminar on modesty when I was around 14-15, where a speaker warned us not to rub a friend’s back because once your hand reaches the bra strap, a boy might see it and suddenly remember that you have a bra—leading to who knows what.
I also remember that from 9th grade onward, when talking to boys at youth group meetings, it was completely normal for them to stare at our chests instead of our eyes—even the more religious boys. It was just accepted as “the way things are.”
Although it didn’t seem logical to me, I always wondered—because I had never been a man myself. And I kept hearing from men, from boys, “You don’t know what it’s like to be a man.”
So I wondered—is it really like that? How much of this is the result of education that constantly tells them they are incapable of self-restraint?
I am married now, and my husband is not like that. But he is one man, and at a different stage of life.
Age 43, Haredi
I don’t recall a specific teacher or phrase that explicitly framed men as “baboons,” but I do remember the overall atmosphere—the way discussions about men were often crude and demeaning. It felt wrong, unrealistic, and inconsistent with my personal experiences.
I clearly recall conversations with my husband about gender roles, and the realization that, despite their drives and instincts, men are designed to rise above them. They have the ability to exercise self-control. They are not wild animals—they are rational beings with discernment.
Age 31, Religious
An internalized belief I struggle to undo:
A man must not waste his seed. Whenever he desires, I must agree. If a woman refuses, he suffers. If he is kind and considerate, it’s only to get intimacy in the end.
What a difficult mindset to unlearn—to accept that desire is mutual, that someone who loves you does not want to cause you distress, and that men, like women, have many needs beyond just sex.
This perspective came from my home—National Religious. Despite having many children and nieces and nephews, sexuality was never normalized.
I was constantly told: “Dress nicely for your date!” and “Why did you discuss sexuality when you’re still observing touch restrictions? Poor guy…”
Age 35, Haredi
When my husband was upset years ago, when we were newlyweds, my mother (National Religious) and my secular psychologist both separately asked me whether he was angry because we hadn’t had intimacy.
I was furious at my mother. “What does that have to do with anything? A man owes his wife intimacy, not the other way around. Why is this question never asked when a woman is upset?”
Her answer: “What can I say? That’s what men want.”
Even before our wedding, when she saw me buying nice lingerie, she said, “Sorry for saying this, but I don’t think this is the place to show off.”
I responded, “If not here, then where? In the street?”
I also carried a mistaken belief—whenever I was in a state of ritual impurity, I felt like the embodiment of the yetzer hara (evil inclination), a constant temptation for my husband. I was terrified of causing him to “fail.” If something did happen, I felt I had to go along with it—I thought I had no right to say no.
Age 44, Religious
In my religious high school, we were constantly pressured to dress more modestly. When we asked why, if the real issue was preventing “wasted seed,” the burden was on us rather than on men to control themselves, the response was always some variation of, “Don’t even try to understand what goes through their minds—you never will.”
To me, that translated into: Men think about sex all day, every day.
Age 27, Religious
In high school, a teacher told us not to take off our sweaters in front of boys—even if we were wearing another shirt underneath—because just the act of removing a garment could trigger thoughts in them.
I remember being upset by this idea—that they had no self-control and that it was my responsibility to prevent them from having thoughts. And yet, to this day, I still feel a little uncomfortable removing a sweater in the presence of men.
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