The summer vacation is still underway and the month of forgiveness and repentance and the Yamim Noraim (High Holidays) are already knocking at the door. Back in the good old days of our all girls high-school, we would return to school on the first of September and, immediately embark on a process of introspection. A soul-searching introspection, more so for some than others. An introspection that the sole purpose of which was to ask ourselves about how we had spent the last year, where we had progressed more and where we progressed less, and to prepare  our resolutions for the coming new year.

At this point, just a few days before the end of the summer vacation and the onset of the High Holidays,  before we return to the welcome routine, I invite you to embark on another journey of introspection and review – a review of the body. A review that, in the words of the famous Holiday Un’taneh Tokef prayer, counts and numbers and examines our last year from our body’s point of view. An introspection of the body in which I don’t measure how much weight I lost and then regained, that doesn’t check my pulse, BMI and blood pressure, but rather, a simple review of how much I listened, how much I connected with and gave, to my body, to myself.

In an introspection of the body we stop for moment and make room for our body. We respect it for its place. Adopting the assumption that the body is not merely the means with which we walk the world. It is not just an asthetic  vessel to be maintained so that we can fulfill our spiritual purpose. The body is our primary form of mediation with the world, via which we feel our way from the moment of our birth, ignoring it’s signals can lead to a significant loss of the signs through which we can learn about ourselves. In a review of the body we return to those moments at which we pushed our body to the limit and then reconstruct the instances we let it regain breath. We ask ourselves about the times during which we controlled, regimented, failed to pay attention, and we remember the resultant price we paid in pain, exhaustion, sadness and restlessness. We recall the day (or maybe days) on which we pushed ourselves to the limit, without even stopping for a minute to eat, of the sleepless nights, the hours in the gym that ignored the building pain in our knees, the painkillers that were intended to get us back on track without stopping and examining the source of the pain, how we propelled the body into the bedroom out of principle and less out of consideration for our body’s needs.

On the other hand, a review of the body also invites us to contemplate those moments during which we stopped to listen. The morning cup of coffee that you insisted upon more than ever, maybe the renunciation of coffee in favor of a move to a vegan/vegetarian/paleolithic diet that lightened the burden on your body, the moment of identifying your ovulation that helped you plan your fertile window, the decision to continue or stop nursing and the signing up for yoga/Pilates/acro-balance/horse-riding that gave birth to hours of quiet, self-investment and a rebuilding of the connection with your body.

The body remembers every movement directed at or against it. It has intimate knowledge of who we are and of our lifestyle. It knows how to conform itself to the shape of the chair at work or the ‘mother of all life’ position we adopt to receive the baby and nourish it after birth. It is a wondrous machine that is capable of signaling when it’s in good shape, when we have exaggerated and taken one step too many – the question is whether we have paid attention.

The beginning of the month of Elul and the end of the summer vacation is a well-timed opportunity to make a change. To make an appointment for the dental hygienist, pelvic floor physiotherapy, a routine breast examination and the gynecologist. It is an opportunity to look ahead, to contemplate on the objectives for my body during the coming year – I want to become pregnant, I want to enhance my pleasure from intimacy, I want to improve my fitness, I want to breathe better and make room for my body’s signals. Each objective has significance, its own way, its means. Many of the decisions involve giving up on other things, mainly old bodily habits.

.Take this time for introspection. An introspection of the body

לקורסים והשתלמויות במרכז יהל לחצו כאן!

הפוסט New Years’ Resolution הופיע ראשון במרכז יהל

לקורסים והשתלמויות במרכז יהל לחצו כאן!

הפוסט Mikve Night but Not Tonight הופיע ראשון במרכז יהל

It’s 8 pm, the baby won’t go to sleep, the dinner dishes are piled in the sink, the 4 year old has a fever, there’s a file to be dealt with before work tomorrow, hubby isn’t home, it’s chodesh irgun and no babysitters are available and the mikve closes at 10.

Waiting for your turn, final preparations and then the mikve experience itself which can be fraught with emotion, for some draining, others exhilarating. On the way home eagerness may be growing. Or maybe it’s anxiety. Young couples who aren’t quite used to physical intimacy and are still shy and unsure may feel anxious about the renewal of intimacy. Older couples have anxieties of their own over performance or body image. And, maybe, things haven’t been so enjoyable or there are kinks in the relationship. Couples with a “commuter spouse” have extra challenges reconnecting.

Walking in the door and BAM the baby is still up, the dishes as they were, and hubby is home…asking, “What’s for dinner?” You finally make it to the bedroom, push aside the pile of unfolded laundry on the bed, lock the door and pray the baby doesn’t wake up or the teen doesn’t start clumping around the house. How much anticipation, eagerness and desire for physical and intimate connection are left?

This is why I say mikve night starts in the morning. The night before with a good night’s sleep. Two weeks before with a heart-to-heart chat and planning session.

Calling all husbands: mikve night is not only your wife’s “thing”. Remember the children’s story “The Little Red Hen”? If you aren’t going to help with the preparations, you don’t get the goodies at the end. Make it a point to come home early and take over the supper-bath-bedtime routine. (Yes, I know lots of men do this all the time. Others don’t.) Help with the math homework and do the dishes. Buy or prepare something yummy for your wife to eat when she gets home, because by the time she’s done at the mikve she is starving. A bouquet of flowers can’t hurt either. If you’re on a budget a “husband coupon” for a foot massage can go a long way and may ease your transition.

And, wives, men enjoy a flirty text or two and a mikve day treat. Everyone wants to feel thought about and desired. Write up some coupons of your own.

What is more important than all these suggestions? Take some time to think about what you need and want and translate ideas and feelings into concrete suggestions. Then, talk about it with your spouse. Not on mikve day when sexual, and, maybe, other tensions are running high. Choose a time when you are both receptive and able to work out a mutually agreed upon plan.

Discuss what each of you needs and wants in order to make mikve day and night a satisfying and anticipated experience. Mikve day sets the stage for mikve night. Foreplay takes on a whole new meaning.

לקורסים והשתלמויות במרכז יהל לחצו כאן!

הפוסט Mikve Night Starts in the Morning הופיע ראשון במרכז יהל

I can not speak for the horrifying tales Dr. Marcus shred regarding women sewing skirts to their legs or boiling their babies. I, for one, was raised in a completely Orthodox framework, and have been working in the Orthodox community for fifteen years now and have never heard such tales. It is scary to see, how certain fringe elements of a loving and lovely culture can wreak havoc in their own. Orthodox Judaism will never be defined by it’s ultra, or extreme sects. We are a very broad, fluid and growth oriented culture.
{ I believe it to be when the suffragist movement began, followed by the sexual revolution that we lost – don’t think I want to go here. But what I want to say is that today with all of the ‘openness’ in the secular world and media, we are forced to find new ground/footing. With all of the ‘twerking’, body baring, open hook ups, and plain old sex on the big screen, young people today are forced to take int that information and somehow filter it through their own personal religious lens. Orthodox Jews are compelled to intertwine current messages about sex and intimacy, into the teachings of their families and schools of youth. This is not always an easy task. But, it seems, this is not a challenge unique to the Orthodox world, as I see in my work, it is a global issue, affecting all types of relationships everywhere. This article, Searching for Sex, Stephen Davidowitz, was recently published in the NYTimes as well and speaks to the ( http://www.nytimes.com/2015/01/25/opinion/sunday/seth-stephens-davidowitz-searching-for-sex.html?_r=0) very deeply concerning inability for most people to discuss their sex lives, leaving the most googled marriage term to be searched to be ‘sexless marriage’. The fact that we , the Orthodox community is putting intimacy and sexuality front and center nowadays speaks largely to our ability to respond to current needs of the population]

Regarding the ideas of family Purity Laws as mentioned in the article…Although it may be simple to bash a seemingly ancient and outdated system, the rituals have lasted all these centuries because they work. They create beauty and type of order to an otherwise non sequential (right word?) time, menstruation and post menstruation. As Dr. Marcus states, When speaking of ritual observance in regards to the observance of family purity laws, Dr. Marcus was brought to tears. She is not sure why, but continues to share that one’s rituals make themBut it is not always easy for her to reconcile her criticism of Orthodox codes with her own strict faith. After one of her seminars, I asked about her own adherence to the menstrual laws, and about why, even now, she doesn’t speak out against them, though she told me they can be profoundly harmful to women’s appreciation of their bodies and to their sexuality. She went silent. She sighed. Suddenly her eyes were more than welling up. “I don’t know why I’m crying,” she said.

Later, she emphasized how vital her religious observance is to her. “I’m part of a system that I hold dear, that I love,” she said. At their best, she went on, the rules governing sexuality can make sex feel godly. For her, the regulations related to menstruation had done this. In a practical way, she recalled, the imposed separation helped to restore her erotic drive despite the chaos of young children in the house, and in an ineffable way, the monthly purification in the waters of the mikvah had “made the coming together again feel beautiful, holy — that’s what ritual does.”
These messages of healthy sexuality are so important, and are being spread rapidly. The Orthodox community in Israel is most definitely paving the way for healthy discourse and learning surrounding intimacy and Sexuality. Where Marcus finds it challenging to gather a crowd for sexuality training course, we are seeing the opposite effect here in Israel. There are several organizations that offer training to a variety of professionals (doctors, nurses, therapists, physical therapists, etc.), as well as kallah and chatan teachers in the arena of sexuality. Organizations like The Eden Center, Merkaz Yahel, The Weitzman Institute, Nishmat Yoatzot who are all doing pioneering work in expanding the healthy discussion surrounding intimacy and sexuality within the global Orthodox community. Topics in these courses include: male orgasm, female orgasm, challenges in intimacy, pornography and the media, sex abuse, etc. Since Judaism has a history of promulgating a healthy sexual message, it is not difficult to recreate those ideas and messages in modern times. The main challenge towards cementing the new healthy approach is social media with their focus on outward appearances and body image, and often times modern feminism who think men and women are the same in every way, when simple biology speaks otherwise.
The Orthodox community is expanding the conversation and offering families a framework with which to build their homes. There are books, such as Dr. Yocheved Debow’s ‘ Talking About Intimacy and Sexuality’ which give Orthodox parents a voice and a language to raise the topic of intimacy and sexuality within their own family. There have been other speakers and books cropping up addressing this and related topics.
The community is so committed to healthy sexuality that there are private distributors of sex toys who will, privately and properly, come to a couple’s home to explain how one item might work best for the couple. There is a website based out of Lakewood, New Jersey, koshersextoys.com, which makes it possible for couples to find what they may need to enhance pleasure in their physical relationships, without seeing images of naked bodies and differing sexual positions that don’t add to the intimacy of a marriage. In fact, so many of the cultural mores that seem restrictive in nature, are in place to maintain a level of closeness and intimacy between spouse and partner. One may be able to fathom how in today’s day and age with internet on our handhelds, such mores may be helpful. That, couples with a healthy and happening sex life.
I believe we, as a community, are finally returning to our age old traditions surrounding intimacy, and are not allowing the media and pop culture define how we create and maintain our intimate relationships. What I see more than anything else in my private work is the young Orthodox couple who are trying to navigate those first few years of marriage, intimacy, child bearing and all that comes with those life changes with the ideals of peace in the home and mutual giving as their basis.
End- so when you next see the words Orthodox and Sex, in an article title or otherwise, I hope your mind can flash to ideals of mutual physical and emotional pleasure and giving. Then we will know we are really taking strides forward in the discussion of Orthodoxy and Sex.

לקורסים והשתלמויות במרכז יהל לחצו כאן!

הפוסט Orthodox and Sex in Same Title and What Have We Gained? הופיע ראשון במרכז יהל

Emotional and physical intimacy and sexual relations are a valued part of a couple’s relationship, providing the opportunity to experience closeness, joy, pleasure, satisfaction, security, bonding, playfulness and even a spiritual connection.

Sex can be an expression of passion, creativity, and love. It involves holding on to yourself, while letting go, feeling secure while taking risks, being in the moment with all your senses while trusting, accepting and sharing.

Normative sexual functioning implies that there is motivation and desire to engage in sex, an experience of pleasurable arousal and orgasm, and the ability to comfortably engage in and enjoy intercourse. Sexual satisfaction is generally defined by the existence of most of these elements, most of the time. Sexual dysfunction describes repeated difficulty in one or more of these areas of sexual functioning.

Several factors may contribute to sexual problems. In addition to a dysfunction of biological systems or the effect of medications, sexual function may be affected by psychological conflicts, mood, relationship issues, lack of education and cultural messages about sex.

The paradigm of addressing these seemingly diverse influences on sexual function is known as the biopsychosocial model.  This model recognizes that several factors may contribute to sexual difficulties in marriage. For example, on a biological level, hormonal changes, illness, medications or pain the genital area can affect sexual function in men and women. On a psychological level, stress, guilt and conflict around sex, depression or anxiety may affect sexual desire and arousal. Relationship satisfaction and marital struggles certainly may influence the desire to engage intimately.

Finally, social and cultural factors have an influence both on individual sexuality, as they govern many of the messages received about sex in childhood, adolescent and young adult development, and on the couple’s sexual narrative. For example, in Orthodox Jewish society,  (dati) a couple’s sexual life is governed by the laws of Taharat Hamishpacha, and is influenced by laws that both restrict and encourage specific sexual behaviors. The extent to which sexuality is affected by Taharat Hamishpacha as well as by male ejaculation restrictions, have been addressed by this author in earlier publications.[i] [ii]

This paper will address sexuality in the pregnancy and post partum period from a biopsychosocial perspective, and will address physical, emotional, and relational changes that couples may experience. In addition, attention will be paid specifically to the distinct socio-cultural aspect of relevance to observant Jews who follow the guidelines of Taharat Hamishpacha.  It should be acknowledged as well that until fairly recently, yeshivot, ulpanot, midrashot and community based learning lectures and workshops did not routinely address sexuality. Most knowledge about sex in the national religious population is limited and the values -based sexual messages that are received, often present sexuality as irrelevant until marriage. As humans are naturally curious about sex, teens and young adults may seek to have their questions answered, and with easy access to media such as pornography, this may create conflict and confusion. In my experience as a couples and sex therapist , many young couples report that the only source of information they received about sex was from their chatan or kallah instructor and this limited information did not address stages of the lifecycle past the initial marital consummation. As such, couples may be surprised by how pregnancy and childbirth, not to mention having children and raising a young family, affects sexual desire, function and especially, opportunities for sexual engagement.

Before specifically addressing pregnancy, it is important to acknowledge the pre-pregnancy periods in the couple’s life.  Couples in their childbearing years are in one of three different realities. Either they are trying ‘not’ to get pregnant, or they are hoping and trying to get pregnant, or they are already expecting a child.  All three of these situations have implications for a couple’s sexual life.

Preventing pregnancy may affect a couple’s sexual life. Fear of unwanted pregnancy may inhibit sexual desire and functioning. Barrier contraception methods may feel technical, often requiring interruption of sexual activity prior to intercourse and affecting spontaneity. Hormonal birth control methods may negatively affect a woman’s libido and contribute to vaginal dryness.  Non -hormonal intra-uterine devices are associated with additional menstrual bleeding, often extending the niddah period. Even natural methods (FAM-fertility awareness method) can affect sex by further restricting the days that a couple may engage in intercourse without contraception.

Many couples report that once they begin to attempt pregnancy, their sexual drive and function begin to increase. In women who have used oral contraception, this may be associated with resumption of ovulation and a normative hormonal milieu. This may also result from the motivation to create a baby together and to have fun trying.  However, if a couple is challenged with infertility, this is likely to negatively affect a couple’s sex life.

Dealing with infertility increases stress for both partners. Fertility treatment is associated with exposure and lack of privacy, and lovemaking is subject to occur according to instruction and often only at specific times. This can turn having sexual relations in to a chore, and couples often begin to experience sex as technical and perfunctory. Physically, hormone treatments can cause the female partner to feel pelvic tenderness, bloating and pain, and affect her mood. Emotionally, couples are often challenged with mixed feelings including anxiety, failure, and even shame.

Finally, when a woman does become pregnant, her sexuality and sexual relationship with her husband may be affected as well. Lets explore these changes from a biopsychosocial perspective, by dividing the stages of pregnancy according to trimesters.

First Trimester:

Although women are used to bodily changes, having experienced puberty, menstruation and ovulation, and later in life, menopause, pregnancy most significantly impacts the physical experience of a woman’s body. As such, in the first trimester there may be a natural decrease in sexual desire.  Early pregnancy is often associated with fatigue, nausea, and breast tenderness and these physical changes may inhibit the desire for sex. There may be some emotional lability and anxiety around becoming pregnant and one or both partners may be concerned about possibly harming the fetus or causing a miscarriage by engaging in penetrative sex.

For some couples, the initiation of pregnancy may bring disparate expectations around sex as well. If a couple has been focused on successfully achieving a pregnancy and sex had become very oriented towards “baby making”  one may be less motivated to engage sexually while the other may be looking forward to experiencing lovemaking without the pressure of creating a pregnancy.

Since a pregnancy effectively removes the on/off rhythm of the Niddah cycle, each partner may perceive this change differently as well. Without the clock of Niddah ticking in the background, one partner may feel that the pressure has been removed while the other partner may wish to take more advantage of the extended time together.

Second Trimester:

Often couples increase their sexual frequency during the second trimester, and report improvement in sexual pleasure and satisfaction. From a physical perspective, there is often a decrease in nausea and tiredness.  Vaginal blood flow increases significantly during pregnancy and this process often results in experiencing increased sexual arousal and more orgasmic intensity. In fact, some women report  their first experience of orgasm occurred during their first pregnancy. From a psychological perspective, women often become more comfortable with their bodies as they begin to appear distinctly pregnant rather than ‘full’.  Women’s body image may improve in particular due to breast enlargement or feeling confident as a pregnant woman and taking on that identity.

Third Trimester

In the third trimester, sexual intercourse may become more challenging. Late pregnancy can associated with a myriad of physical complaints related to pregnancy, which can include back and hip pains, varicose veins, urinary discomfort, hemorrhoids and heartburn,

The “missionary” position may be uncomfortable or even impossible due to the growing abdomen and difficulty lying on the back.  Women may report pain due to intense uterine contractions, either when reaching orgasm, or with male ejaculation, as chemicals known as prostaglandins in the semen can intensify uterine contractions. Vaginal lubrication at this stage may actually be somewhat reduced as blood flow is increased at the pelvic region rather than the vagina. Frequently, the muscles of the pelvic floor become weaker towards the end of pregnancy which can affect both female arousal, as vaginal contractions are related to arousal and orgasmic intensity, and male arousal, as he may perceive less friction on his penis during intercourse. Some women experience urinary leakage which may inhibit them sexually.

It is important to note that expectant fathers may also experience changes that affect mood and sexual function. Concerns about harming the fetus, anxieties regarding fatherhood, and difficulty adjusting to change, may contribute to functional problems that may include reduced libido, erectile problems or premature or delayed ejaculation.

From a relational and sociocultural perspective, the end of pregnancy triggers some anxiety and disparate attitudes around sex, particularly in observant couples.   While the female partner may be less comfortable physically, and experience less desire, often the male partner becomes anxious with the awareness that the postpartum period signifies a complete cessation of physical relations for a period of approximately 4-6 weeks.

Recommendations:

The best way to  address disparities is through communication. Unfortunately not all couples are skilled at effective communication, which involves listening, reflecting, validating, empathizing, and both assertively and with vulnerability, inviting the other partner to understand his/her position. Furthermore, when it comes to communicating specifically about sex, people often find it more difficult to establish a comfortable language to express their feelings.

It is important to emphasize that physical and emotional changes are normal and both partners are encouraged to honestly and openly communicate their feelings to one another, in order to experience the pregnancy together in a positive way. Often, the couple is empowered to share deeper emotional intimacy in early pregnancy, as many couples wait until the second trimester to reveal their status such that this is a shared secret between two people. This along with the shared excitement and expectation often strengthens the bonds of intimacy.

As noted, pregnancy is related to change and adjustment and couples are advised to communicate their concerns and desires to one another.  If one or both partners express fear that sexual activity will harm the fetus, it is important to consult with and receive reassurance from the physician.  In most low risk pregnancy situations, sexual activity including intercourse is completely safe, as the fetus is well protected within the confines of the surrounding membranes.  Intercourse may be contra-indicated when there is a history of premature delivery or when there is multiple gestation or other high-risk situations. Generally, intercourse is contra-indicated when there is placenta previa, premature cervical dilation, or premature rupture of the membranes. In all these cases, it is best to consult with your physician

Adjustment may be required in both values and attitudes about sex, as well as in sexual activity. Couples should consider that hugging, kissing, massage and oral and manual stimulation are all legitimate forms of sex and that not all intimate and sexual situations must conclude with intercourse. Adjustment in sexual positions for intercourse should be considered as well.

The Postpartum period:

The postpartum period is marked by significant change not only physically, but also in the family and in society. The immediate postpartum period is generally one of mixed experiences that normally include happiness and euphoria, along with exhaustion, stress anxiety, and in some cases, depression.

Physical symptoms related to the postpartum period are related to recovery from the pregnancy and birth process, significant changes in the hormonal milieu, and lack of sleep. Physical symptoms may include bodily pain, genital and breast soreness, difficulty changing positions due to abdominal and pelvic floor weakness, and pelvic floor related symptoms that may include urinary incontinence.

Emotionally, the post partum woman may experience mood swings and may doubt herself regarding her ability to care for her and feed her child. She may be attempting to process the birth experience as well, as she navigates attempting to take care of her own basic hygiene and nutrition while caring for others.

This is a particularly vulnerable period where couples often are challenged by the inability to provide one another with the most basic of human touch. The physical distance that is created affects each person differently, however, for couples that observe the harchakot strictly, they are unable to fall back on hugging to express apology, support or comfort. For this reason, improving verbal communication and providing emotional affirmation, validation, understanding and empathy is crucial.

Once it is time for mikvah immersion, there may be an expectation that relations resume after the mikvah exactly as before, despite the distance created by the complete lack of physical affection, or ability to receive physical comfort. While most women anticipate and look forward to resuming physical intimacy with their husbands, or at least to be able to naturally and comfortably pass objects (and baby) back and forth, some women do not look forward to resuming actual sexual intercourse and in fact, may not feel physically or emotionally ready.  They may, however, look forward to engaging sexually in other ways.  Again, open and honest communication is key to navigating these challenging periods in a couple’s intimate lives.

In my practice, I have encountered couples that were very surprised to discover that sexual relations were subject to modification after childbirth. Male partners have often reported that they did not know or were not informed of this, and assumed that relations would resume as prior to childbirth, given only the cooperation of the baby.

Sexual life after childbirth, as in any stage of life and as mentioned previously, is affected by physical, psychological, relational and social factors.  Desire for sex may decrease due to physiological factors, particularly in breastfeeding women. After childbirth there is a dramatic decrease in estrogen and progesterone. Prolactin, which is secreted in order to stimulate the milk supply, decreases sexual drive. Lactating women often experience vaginal dryness that can inhibit desire and contribute to painful intercourse. Obstetrical stitches due to tearing or episiotomy may increase sensitivity and pain. Progesterone birth control pills may also contribute to decreased desire.

Pelvic floor disorders, such as weakness, incontinence, prolapse and flatulence may be common after childbirth, and these certainly contribute to inhibition and lack of desire to engage in sex.

It is important to acknowledge that research suggests that anywhere between 8-20% of women suffer from post partum depression that may contribute to decreased sexual health. Moreover, anti-depressant medication is likely to decrease her sexual functioning as well.  Physical changes may affect a woman’s body image and sense of herself as a sexual being. She may feel negative about the weight she has gained and how her body has changed. Conversely, she may enjoy her newer shape and fuller breasts, and this may facilitate her sexual drive.

Women who are breastfeeding may feel inhibited by leaking breasts or the perception that her breasts are meant now for the baby. The dual role of the breasts as providing bonding, attachment and nutrition to her infant, along with the sexual role, may feel confusing and dissonant for many women. It is not uncommon for some women to not want their husband to touch their breasts at all during the period that they are breastfeeding.

The psychological experience of fathers must be acknowledged as well. New fathers may experience anxiety and exhaustion, which may impact on their sexual functioning. They may feel isolated or jealous by the mother-infant bond, and they may feel conflicted about initiating sex with their wife, or may fear causing her pain with intercourse.

On a relationship- dynamic level, it is important to acknowledge that the family system has changed, and the couple dyad is now shifted to include another individual, one with many needs. For a woman taking care of a baby, and especially when there are other children, (and even more so if her professional life involves caring for others,) she may perceive sex as a chore. She may view her partner’s desire for sex as another person whose physical needs she must fulfill. In addition, much of the needs a woman has for attachment and intimacy, are being fulfilled with her infant.

Several strategies are available for couples experiencing sexual problems. One strategy is to reframe existing models of sexual function that imply that both partners must experience spontaneous desire before choosing to have sex. Newer models of sexual function, particularly female sexual function, suggest that motivation is as powerful as desire, and that women are often motivated to engage in sexual activities in order to achieve emotional intimacy and have a pleasurable experience. Although at different times in life, and in particular, the postpartum period, spontaneous desire may be decreased, being open and receptive to a sexual experience with her husband for the purpose of being close is likely to trigger sexual arousal, assuming she is relaxed and open to that possibility. Once sexually aroused, desire then kicks in resulting in a satisfying sexual experience. This reframing helps to alleviate anxiety and normalize the experience of women who feel that their lack of spontaneous sexual desire is pathological and dysfunctional.

Maintaining a healthy sexual relationship with one’s partner requires investing in the intimate relationship. Couples should learn to create space for themselves, take walks together and go on dates. Both partners should also have some time alone in their schedules for themselves.  Prolonged desire discrepancies may create power struggles.  All relationships are challenged with power struggles. Couples don’t always agree on everything and important issues such as kids, education, religion, in-laws and money, to name a few, can be a source of conflict, which can challenge relationships.  Creating intimacy in relationships is not about never having an argument or disagreements as couples don’t always have to agree.  Rather, it is about how quickly you recover  from arguments and about bringing your authentic self to your partner, with your vulnerabilities and sensitivities.

Finally, it is important to be able to experience sex not only something you do or have, but rather an expression of an intimate and erotic energy that a couple shares. It may be expressed in the bedroom, but does not begin there. It is present with the way the couple engages, and even looks at one another.

That erotic energy may be expressed in many ways. Sometimes it is experienced with playfulness and laughter, sometimes with nurturing and comforting hugs, and sometimes with verbal expressions of deep love and commitment. The expectation that these erotic expressions only occur when sexual intercourse will take place is likely to feel like pressure and inhibit these expressions.  When couples can engage together without pressure to perform, when they can learn that sex is a place to be rather than something to do, they can learn to appreciate the value of experiencing the journey of intimacy with minimal judgment and maximal presence of mind.

[i] Friedman, M., Labinsky, E., Rosenbaum, T., Schmeidler, J. & Yehuda, R Observant Married Jewish Women and Sexual Life: An Empirical Study Conversations Issue 5 Autumn 2009/5770: Institute for Jewish Ideas and Ideals

[ii] ‘אני כלי שרת בידו’ – תרומתם של מסרים תרבותיים לתפיסה העצמית של נשים דתיות וחרדיות בחיי האישות.בתוך: האישה ויהדותה בהוצאת ראובן מס ו”קולך” 2013.

לקורסים והשתלמויות במרכז יהל לחצו כאן!

הפוסט Intimacy during pregnancy and the post- partum period הופיע ראשון במרכז יהל

I have great respect for these Kallah (bride) and Chatan (groom) instructors, who devote themselves to the task of preparing young brides and grooms for marriage. Many young people, particularly in Orthodox society, do not receive much, if any sexual education, and may not feel comfortable discussing sex, or even possess the language or tools to ask for specifications or clarifications. Typically, Kallah teachers provide important information as well as emotional support and speak freely and comfortably about sex, thereby easing the apprehensions of their students

However, as a number of Kallah instructors have admitted, some Kallah teachers are un-intentionally sending incorrect, and possibly damaging messages The impact of negative sexual messages or misguided information, can last several years into marriage, as I have learned from my clinical practice as a couples and sex therapist. Following are examples of problematic statements that some Kallah teachers have said, as relayed to me by my clients:

1. “Marriage is a re-birth. From now on all you will need is your husband.” Malka, * 19, married for 3 months, cried in my office. “I don’t know who I am supposed to be now. I look different, and I miss my friends and my family.” Marriage should not entail loss of family, friendships, or identity. You still are who you are. Do not expect your partner to be everything to you- lover, best friend, confidante and study partner. Spending time together and sharing common interests is great, but focusing on your own interests also is healthy.

2. “Never talk about your husband to your parents.” While individuation and separation are important to a healthy marriage, messages like these can be taken to an extreme. Sharona* spent years in an abusive marriage before finally confiding in her parents, who helped her seek the appropriate resources.

3. “Men want sex, but women want intimacy.”The message that sex is primarily for men ignores the natural sexual drive of women. In investigating the observance of the laws of Niddah, Dr. Naomi Marmon-Grumet of the Eden Center found that young men received the implicit message that sexual desire was healthy and natural (but was to be fulfilled only in the context of marriage) whereas young women reported that female sexuality was downplayed or not addressed. Yes, men like sex, but so do women; humans crave intimacy, which is about human connection and closeness.

4. “Always give your husband sex when he asks. Do what he wants, when he wants it.” While some educators emphasize the Torah obligation for a man to satisfy his wife, many Kallah instructors underscore the importance of women being available to their husbands when they desire sex.Sex is not something you ‘give’, but is an experience to be enjoyed together. If you are tired, not in the mood, aren’t enjoying, or are too upset with him to have sex, talk honestly and openly about your feelings. Communicating your feelings and feeling free to make boundaries, creates vulnerability and authenticity, which are key factors in building intimacy.

5. “Mikvah night sex is non-negotiable, even if you are having a fight.” Firstly, sex is always negotiable. Secondly, all couples fight, and the challenge is learning how to navigate out of power struggles and create a path of mutual understanding. Tensions can run high, particularly when couples do not touch during the niddahtimeframe. How about reframing ‘mikvah night’ as an opportunity to confront a possible conflict with the goal of looking forward to some make-up sex?

6. “Don’t engage in physical intimacy unless you are willing to have intercourse. It’s not fair to your husband and may make him sin.” Messages such as these can be destructive because a, they remove a woman’s autonomy and make her anxious about displaying affection and initiating hugs, and b, they imply that men have no control over themselves.

7. “Your husband will know what to do.” The ability to commence a healthy and satisfying sexual relationship depends on receiving accurate sexual information. Yet, according to results of a study that my colleagues and I conducted on women who observe family purity laws, 40% of the subjects in the study stated that they felt insufficiently prepared for the wedding night. If your Kallah instructor did not speak openly about sex, don’t depend on movies and the Internet. One can learn much more by reading a pre-marital guide such as Jenny Rosenfeld’s and Dr. David Ribner’s book “Et Le’ehov: A Newlywed’s Guide to Intimacy.” Resources such as Merkaz Yahel, which provides sexual education and instruction, are also valuable.

8. ’Get it over with’ on the wedding night, even if it hurts. New couples may be nervous about first intercourse and making it sound as exciting as undergoing a root canal doesn’t help. Sexual intercourse need not be painful, if both partners are sufficiently aroused. For many couples, particularly ones who have not even held hands before marriage, the shift from complete abstinence to sexual intercourse can be overwhelming. Take your time. If there is persistent pain with intercourse, that is not normal, and should be checked out by a competent physician.

9. “Wear something sexy and don’t let on that you are nervous.” It is common in certain Orthodox circles for engaged girls to go to Victoria’s Secret with their mothers to purchase provocative sleepwear. Many young women find this experience to be mortifying. It’s better to be honest with your feelings, and if you are more comfortable in a t-shirt and pajama shorts on your wedding night, go for it. It’s sexier to be you.

10. “Strive for simultaneous climax during sexual intercourse” Sex is about pleasure, emotional intimacy and connection and it doesn’t make any difference that achieves orgasm first, or how you get there.

A few additional points: Sex should not feel like a test you must pass, or a goal you must accomplish. Sexual intimacy is a journey that you and your new husband will take together. It takes a lot of communication and patience, and it helps to have a sense of humor. Consummation can take several ‘tries’ and the ‘first time’ is not necessarily a singular event but a process. Don’t think that if it doesn’t go well, God is punishing you for ‘breaking shomer’. That will only cause your sexual arousal to be associated with guilt and conflict, and that’s no fun. Having fun, delighting in one another, and experiencing pleasure should be the focus, rather than performance

To the season’s brides and bridegrooms, Mazal Tov on your new lives together.

לקורסים והשתלמויות במרכז יהל לחצו כאן!

הפוסט Ten tips for new brides הופיע ראשון במרכז יהל

In prenuptial counseling sessions S. learned that bleeding should occur in first time sexual intercourse. She didn’t bleed, and for weeks she didn’t know what to do or who to consult. She was worried that something was the matter, or that maybe they had done something wrong. The manual that she had read before the wedding had not mentioned the issue and she was left helpless and isolated and did not share her distress with anyone.

Research on the subject of sexuality and the body has gained impetus with the development of feminist research in recent years; however, the voice of traditional women in different cultures, characterized by religious faith and practices, has not yet received sufficient attention. In religious society discussion of sexuality is still regarded as taboo, and few studies have been done in this field. Among the topics which have been researched are studies of sex education, manuals on sexuality, and studies which discuss various aspects of the halakhic laws of family purity and how they affect women. In this research I sought to listen to the voice of national-religious women coping with sexuality and the body in the period following marriage, and to grant them a presence in the general narrative of the national-religious woman.
Overnight, a woman who was educated all her life to be modest and to cover her body enters a new world of an intimate relationship which involves sexuality and the body. That same body which she has learned throughout her life to cover and hide, to conceal and banish – suddenly acquires significance, identity and corporeality. At once she is exposed to a range of unfamiliar, surprising, and sometimes even painful experiences. This article seeks to reveal these women’s reactions to this definitive and dramatic transition in their lives, from single to married life.
The study is based on interviews with ten national-religious women, married between one and five years, who told me about their various challenges in the period following marriage. The main aim of the study was to create an initial general picture of their varied strategies of coping with the acute transition from single to married life; from modesty, covering-up and concealment, to sexuality and revealing the body.
The issues which arose in the interviews fell into three major categories:
A. Initial coping with the discovery of the body and sexuality in the period prior to marriage, on the wedding night, and in the period following marriage.
B. The process of renewed acquaintance with the body, establishing sexuality, sexual intercourse and the question of orgasm.
C. Coping with the halakhic laws of family purity, while focusing on self-examination, the ritual bath, and referral of questions to rabbis or to female experts in laws of halakhic purity.
I was told many stories during the interviews, and the women who agreed to speak to me showed rare courage in the openness with which they shared this intimate subject with me. All along, their narrative walked the tightrope between, on the one hand, a strong desire to achieve sexual fulfillment, fulfillment as a couple, and creation of a positive intimate experience and, on the other hand, pain, helplessness, and isolation. It must be emphasized that for everyone, men and women, the first time that one has sexual intercourse is an unforgettable moment, a definitive experience which influences subsequent sex and sexuality. But as shown below, for religious women this moment is closely connected to the orthodox way of life and to the religious and halakhic discourse.

A. Discovering the body and sexuality before and after marriage.
Frequently the first reaction to discovering the body is surprise. This is what emerges from C.’s story, on the eve of her marriage:

“When the prenuptial counselor spoke to me about the hole from where, actually – I don’t know what to call it [embarrassed laughter] – the penny suddenly dropped about how much I don’t know about it. I’ve got something in my body that I’m not aware of at all. I suppose there’s a difference between women who use sanitary pads and women who use tampons, they’re more aware of that place; if you use pads you don’t get to meet it every month, and the penny suddenly drops and you realize that you don’t really know your body…”

The young bride, who is already at an advanced stage in her wedding preparations, doesn’t even know what “that hole” is called, that part of her body which she has only just discovered. She assumes that other women, who use tampons, are familiar with this organ, but she, who has been menstruating for years, isn’t even aware of its existence. Her choice of the expressions “the hole”, “that place”, “it” (in Hebrew, all in the masculine), indicate distance and alienation towards parts of her body. This is also evident in her body language, facial expressions, and general discomfort in speaking about this intimate experience.

Most of the interviewees described the first night as an unpleasant experience, to say the least:
“On the actual night, I remember it hurt a lot at first, I remember that I really pushed him out a bit, […] he said to me the whole time, ‘You’re rejecting me.’ I really pushed him away, and I said to him, ‘I’m not rejecting you; I’m rejecting the pain…’
“It was – I didn’t dare say it – traumatic, I suppose, as if something had been stuck into my body without my agreeing to it. I didn’t agree. I knew in my mind that it was going to happen, but I didn’t realize how invasive and hard that thing that enters you is, I really remember that feeling.”

The memory of the first night is frequently described as an experience accompanied by physical pain. The pain is frequently caused by fear, which causes the body to become tense and form a barrier when penetration is attempted. For many of the women, the experience was accompanied by disappointment resulting from the difference between what they imagined would happen and what actually happened.

B. The process of establishing sexuality and the question of orgasm
D., married for two and a half years, told me that she loves her husband greatly and wants to make him happy, but whenever they have sex, something “misses” and nothing happens. She is embarrassed to go to a bookshop and buy a manual, and of course she does not intend to look for information on the Internet, but she doesn’t know what to do. She has never experienced orgasm and she does not even know how to say so – not to me and especially not to herself. Regrettably, this story reoccurred in not a few interviews.
G., on the other hand, told me:
“I feel that … I achieved very good and liberating experiences with my body before marriage in this process. But – […] something within me dares to go the whole way but is very alarmed by it, and that’s where there are pangs of conscience. Even when I was, like, with my man, and suddenly it was nice and I did enjoy it, there were then a couple of days or a night of a kind of awful alarm, and yes, a lot of guilt about how do I dare, and it’s gross, and I’m repulsive and disgusting for being like that, that I’m like… that I’m, like, into it, that I’m doing it and making an effort for it, to enjoy it like that, like it’s gross, disgusting.”

Here is a description of the development of sexuality in a process which includes many regressions. The woman opens up to her sexuality, tries to accept it and even enjoys it, but immediately draws back in alarm. She swings like a pendulum between daring and ‘going the whole way,’ and, on the other hand, alarm, disgust and self-revulsion, and she simultaneously experiences two emotionally-opposed extremes – ‘nice,’ ‘enjoyment,’ and ‘making an effort,’ as against ‘gross,’ ‘repulsive,’ and ‘disgusting.’ She doesn’t accept her desire to ‘make an effort for it,’ and she feels threatened. Her defenses are based on rejection of her body and negation of the sexual experience. Only at a later stage would the feeling of alarm be replaced by ‘terrific,’ and the rejection turn into a wonderful experience. Gradually she would open up to explanations that would help her to find an internal balance between sexuality and sanctity, and instead of seeing them as contradictory, she would reach – at a much later stage – the understanding that the need for sex is a totally physiological requirement connected to the act of creation. God created her like this, and she could allow herself to be sexual with all the difficulty entailed. ‘It’s okay to be occupied with it, for it to have a place, it just exists…’ From the moment at which it would become clear to her that this was a natural urge of divine origin, she would be prepared to accept it as a gift.
However not all the women find the balance which enables them to enjoy their burgeoning sexuality without feeling guilt and self-revulsion. Many interviewees expressed confusion and difficulty in bridging the gap between sexuality and intimacy on the one hand and sanctity and spiritual elevation on the other.
“I think that even after marriage, I like what I was directed towards in prenuptial counseling, that it’s something sacred, something special. But it still seems something less than real life, less human…”
Me: Very high…
“Kind of less possible to say that yes it’s also mine and it’s part of my life and it’s good and it’s like that and it’s cool that it’s like that, and it’s part of everyone’s lives, and it’s not perverse. Not that it’s sacred and that it’s just the spiritual elevation of a couple. Do you understand…? It exists and it’s really great, it really does feel like a connection that’s very special for me but… but it comes from there.”

“I remember that sentence that she [a friend from the army] said, something about women who say they experience orgasm, and it isn’t orgasm. That remains mysterious to me, that there’s sex like that, that maybe there’s something that I don’t know.”
Me: A feeling that you’re always missing out?
“Yes, yes. I think that the number of times that I felt that “Wow,” that’s it, relative to the number of times… really few. Now I’m into it, uh… I feel much better than when I was in a state of guilt. I really feel this is something that belongs to the two of us and that we’re learning together. I can see it happening, there’s a rhythm… Also, it seems to me something that, like, I don’t want to admit to anyone that I don’t enjoy it one hundred per cent, or that, like, I don’t manage to, and you see I’m admitting it to you now and that’s good…
“I really had doubts about whether to take part in this interview, because I said… I’ve got so much now, why do I need to get involved in such a sensitive matter, and really I felt I could communicate, that I’m not afraid of what I might say, of what you would know about me…”

This woman has been married for over two years, she is the mother of a little girl, and she has sexual intercourse regularly, but, she says, since she married she has not experienced orgasm and she doesn’t know how to. She has never admitted to herself or to others that she doesn’t enjoy sex. From her point of view, the interview was an opportunity to acquire information on the subject, and much was revealed. During the interviews I encountered two more married women who had not yet experienced orgasm.
The issue of religious women’s orgasm is one of the important issues which arose in this study. According to the research of Labinsky et al, about 9% of religious women do not manage to experience orgasm, as against 1% in society as a whole. The present study can explain this data insofar as these women do not have access to information in this field. They don’t achieve orgasm because they don’t know how. The mantle of shame and modesty prevents them from searching for the information they need in order to understand how their body works, and the information that is available to them does not include the necessary knowledge or does not correlate with their emotional state. These women are caught up in a vicious circle, in which the sexual relationship with one’s partner is based not on enjoyment and release but on feelings of frustration and missed opportunities which are physically ingrained and in time become permanent. A period in which the woman does not experience orgasm has a deep and decisive influence on her continuing sexual development and the development of her sexual relationship with her partner.
However, apart from lack of knowledge, during this period religious women experience dissonance, a disparity between the ethos of modesty, seclusion and concealment to which they have been educated, and the newly-discovered information about their body and their sexuality. The transition from single to married life entails a huge conflict of consolidating and acquiring a new identity, which is sometimes contradictory to the familiar identity consolidated not long ago, during adolescence.

“This rift, between what I was used to and what is really happening […] I feel it’s really… it’s caused many very difficult […], very upsetting things…”

The brides, on the eve of marriage, arrive at this moment with their feminine, physical and sexual identity on the lowest rung of their ladder of identities, if it is anywhere at all. They describe varying intensities of cognitive dissonance: the new information which they receive as they approach the wedding night does not correspond to their familiar cognizance, and is perceived as contrary to their self-perception. This dissonance creates tension and anxiety which they try to reduce by means of varied strategies. At best, it vanishes when the woman finds the inner balance within herself and is able to contain the new information, norms, and demands without undermining her identity. This process is dependent on the woman’s ability to contain the new information, on her degree of openness [her flexibility], and on the place of feminine identity in her world.
It seems to me that the dissonance does not originate only from the disparity between the women’s knowledge prior to marriage, the discovery afterwards and their sexual experience in practice, the leap from ‘everything is forbidden’ to ‘everything is permitted’ and the first taste of the new world which also includes that first acquaintance with the opposite sex – it is a more profound experience of an identity crisis. Until immediately before their wedding they had to adapt their identity to an abundance of social dictates, to be a modest, demure, bodiless, asexual ‘good girl;’ overnight they are on their own, helplessly up against completely opposite social dictates, which include sexual freedom, relating to one’s body, enjoyment, and desire. In the eyes of many, these demands are alien and belong to a forbidden world distant from concepts of religiosity and sanctity.
In these situations women feel isolated because they do not have role models or significant figures of reference whose behavior and patterns of discourse they can internalize. Because in religious society there is a complete taboo in matters of sexuality, and the ideal model of the religious woman focuses on covering-up, concealing and silencing her – the brides do not have a model to observe and to learn from, neither in the early stages of their lives nor at this crucial stage.
The young bride is forced to make her own way, to search for information, a model, or guidance which will contribute to the consolidation of her feminine, sexual, and physical identity, to immerse herself in new ‘identity work’ that will enable her to integrate the self-identity that she has built until now and the new sexual identity which is expected of her upon entrance to the world of intimacy and sexuality. The degree of personal wellbeing that she will feel or, alternatively, the degree of stress, will be determined by her ability to find the information she needs and to merge it coherently within her new identity, in a way which will provide her with an answer to her abundant needs.

“I didn’t feel that I was ready for the first night and not for the rest, either. I was lucky that I have a sister with whom I’m close; she got married before I did and I felt that I could approach her.”
Me: Did you get up in the morning and say to yourself, I need to talk, I need to consult someone, or did it take time?
L.: “It took two days. We got married on Thursday and at the Shabbat Hatan (the Sabbath following the wedding), […] she just asked me, how are things, and I said …uh… and I could talk to her; we agreed between us, me and my man, that I would talk to her, because we were both in shock.

L. was lucky that at a very early stage, two days after her wedding, she already understood that she needed to turn to someone, and she had someone to turn to. It must be emphasized that she specifically turned to her sister because she was married and was perceived by her as experienced. Also, she did so with her husband’s knowledge and his consent. However many interviewees felt uncomfortable sharing this matter with others and remained isolated:

“I wish… I didn’t have anyone to talk to… I didn’t have a best friend; there wasn’t anyone to whom I felt I could turn, to whom I could talk, no-one!”

“…I felt that I just didn’t know and that I didn’t dare ask. […] A feeling that no-one is going to teach you how to do this…”

“…I said, maybe, but who am I going to ask? What shall I do? I really had a problem. I said to him: ‘I feel alone in the world. I want someone with whom I’ll feel comfortable talking about this.’”

Some women understand the importance of searching for information and they overcome the embarrassment and the taboo surrounding this issue and turn to prenuptial counselors, to sisters, sisters-in-law and friends, or search the Internet, in order to resolve their physical and mental distress. These women report significant relief after applying for help and say that it was the right thing to do. It’s interesting that they mostly do not turn to their mothers, and this raises the question as to why there is such a distance between mother and daughter specifically in matters requiring counseling and guidance.
However, the study shows clearly that a widespread phenomenon is the tendency for the brides, from the start of married life, to take the opposite direction; rather than turning to seek help and advice in matters which bother them, they turn to younger brides, sometimes even to women not yet married, and offer themselves as experienced guides. They do so in order to reduce their own distress, but frequently they cause damage to the listeners, who receive erroneous and partial information based on difficult personal experience.

“I remember a very good friend, who got married before me, and the night before the wedding she whispered to me, ‘It hurts and it can be unpleasant, but the main thing is to be relaxed and to remember that this is your man. ’”

“Since then, I have a good friend who isn’t married yet and I do share my experiences with her, I feel it’s important, and what will happen when she gets married?”

“I have a good friend now who got married, and I wanted to call her and give her these tips.”

“I remember a talk that a good friend gave me, the night before the wedding, she told me, it hurts.”

“I have two friends, […] after the wedding they said to me, use KY, take creams. […] Use a cream, use a pillow to raise yourself, it helped us. Do you understand? Without my asking them, they said it in two or three lines, and the message came across.”

These brides want to help their friends avoid the isolation which they experienced. They choose to ‘help’ others rather than look for help for themselves. This ‘help’ is a particular channel which helps the woman direct her distress in a positive way and express it, but she may cause damage to the new bride, who consequently receives biased and misleading information.

C. Coping with the halakhic laws of family purity
The religious practices required of women are many and varied, and sometimes they are contradictory to the logic to which the woman was accustomed during her childhood and adolescence. If until marriage a woman’s relationship with her body was one of strangeness and alienation, now she is required to know her body well, to touch herself, to carry out internal self-examinations, to learn her fertility cycle, to take pills which upset her hormonal activity, and to immerse herself in the ritual bath in the presence of a strange woman. Already on the wedding night she is expected (if not formally-halakhically) to undress, to reveal her body to a stranger, a man, to have sexual intercourse with him for the first time in her life, and at once to become separated from him in a complex system of purity and impurity, forbidden and permitted, sanctity and corporeality, pain and release. A set of expectations, based on the same set of Jewish values but very different from the point of view of gender, begins to be constructed between the couple. I shall not elaborate here on the broad implications of the laws of ritual purity for the woman’s body self-image; I will confine myself to commenting that, apart from them, the change in the woman’s life is comprehensive – her outward appearance changes with head-covering, her daily routine is different, she moves to a new home, and frequently becomes a mother within a short time, altering the whole course of her life. Even a woman who is enveloped and protected with love and with the joy of marriage experiences upheaval and significant changes at this time in her life.

Conclusion
The social structuring of marriage within the national-religious framework deserves to be examined in a separate study. Undoubtedly these women enter this world willingly, from choice, and with eager expectations. Likewise, the marital relationship and married life has undoubtedly many advantages in the national-religious world, providing women with a secure place and a fruitful pasture for their individual, marital, and familial fulfillment. Nevertheless, this study reveals that together with women’s acceptance of the norms required of them as married women, they experience ambivalence towards this framework. I did not find, however, that they attempted to deal with the residues connected with the wedding night or to search for information in order to improve their sex lives and to achieve orgasm. It is evident that they accept the reality of their lives and do not try to improve it; instead they occupy themselves with rescuing their friends from the traumas that they themselves experienced
The main and most important conclusion arising from this study is that religious women experience isolation, helplessness and weakness in everything related to their sexuality. Certainly this conclusion needs to be substantiated by more comprehensive quantitative and qualitative research; however it seems that it is already possible to point at this worrying picture of traumas and residues, which accompany women over the years, from the wedding onwards into their adult life, and permeate into the intimate relationship and married life. If one also takes into account the intensive lifestyle of the national-religious woman – who usually studies and participates in earning the family’s livelihood, the norms of her social environment involve frequent births, personal excellence (career) and domestic excellence (running a home), and community and other expectations – one receives a picture of a situation in which the body and sexuality are relegated to the bottom of the list of priorities. In all the interviews, the main experience which was realized – throwing light on what the women coped with altogether regarding sexuality and the body following marriage – was isolation. In the context of this study, isolation resulted from the acute social change in a woman’s life upon marriage, from downplaying her body and sexuality as a girl and a woman, to the overall modesty of both partners, which imposes a taboo and total suppression of the issue. Frequently the partner himself is just as helpless as the woman, and both of them together are left to contend with the issue alone, without external involvement or a sympathetic ear.
The recently evident academic awakening of research into the sexuality of religious women is a ray of hope for these couples, the beginning of public debate which may partially remove the mantle of secrecy and extend a supporting and guiding hand to men and women in their first mutual steps in marital and sexual fulfillment.

לקורסים והשתלמויות במרכז יהל לחצו כאן!

הפוסט How religious women cope with sexuality and the body following marriage הופיע ראשון במרכז יהל

The course was coordinated by Michal Prins, and Rabbi Rafi Ostroff of the Yahel Center and Talli Yehuda Rosenbaum as the academic advisor.  In the course of writing her doctorate on sexual pleasure among young women in the national religious community,  Prins created the Yahel Center together with Rabbi Ostroff as a place for couples to come for sexual education. Couples who need therapy of any sort are referred to the relevant professionals but Prins, at her own initiative and with a lot of energy and plucky enthusiasm, began meeting with couples  in order to provide basic information about the differences between male and female sexual response and how to turn a duty on the woman’s part into passion and pleasure. The trickle became a flood and on average Prins receives 4-5 phone calls a week, largely from men who want to help their wives become more expressive in the bedroom. The range of ages is from young newlyweds to couples who are married for 25 years. The religious observance levels also range from “light” to ultra-Orthodox. The issues bear no reflection on strict or minimal observance of family purity laws before or after marriage.

It is truly astonishing how, despite the glut of information on the internet on the subject, many couples struggle from day one of their marriage to find a rhythm that includes both partners in a way that gives mutual pleasure. While this is true of the secular public as well (one only has to read a recent New York times article http://well.blogs.nytimes.com/2013/11/11/women-find-orgasms-elusive-in-hookups/?_php=true&_type=blogs&_r=0 that despite female college students’  interest in casual sex, a study of tens of thousands of students revealed that women largely do not receive pleasure from the hook up culture. As one woman, age 23 put it, she was never taught to have good sex), what is unique in the religious camp is the difficulty in figuring out who to turn to with such intimate questions. While before marriage, there may be a bride counselor who provides some sexual education in addition to the halachic material, there may not be a groom counselor doing the same and finally, what is often very abstract to the couple before marriage, even those who have not kept strict no-touching boundaries, suddenly catches them unaware after marriage and creates a deep chasm in what they were taught would happen from the wedding night onward and what happens in reality.  It is imperative that the myth that family purity laws mean a satisfying sex life and happy marriage be debunked. In fact, the first study to investigate sexual satisfaction in women who practice Taharat Hamishpacha, demonstrated  that many Orthodox women reported feeling unprepared for sexual life.

http://www.jewishideas.org/articles/observant-married-jewish-women-and-sexual-life-empi

Instead, couples need to be prepared for investment of time and energy (hopefully with a sense of humor) and the understanding that they are not alone in this struggle.

Prins asked one of the couples she helped to come and speak to our group. Without divulging their own personal issues, they spoke of how absolutely unprepared they were for the reality of a sexual relationship. Both were graduates of modern Orthodox schools so they were not unfamiliar with sexuality. However, he had been led to understand that after years of self-control, the bedroom would provide him with a regular and sanctioned outlet and she thought that after enjoying pre-marital touching, her path to sexual pleasure was ensured. Both were wrong and to heighten their frustration, the aloneness – that they must be the only ones in this situation – made things very tense. Finally, they heard of Yahel and called for counseling which was effective almost immediately. To their surprise, when they began tentatively sharing their experience, they found that most of their friends had similar stories and had ended up at sex therapists, or eventually resolved it on their own but with much stress along the way. Now they have become advocates for lifting the veil of secrecy that surrounds the religious sexual experience so that other couples do not feel so alone.

Prins’s course, which was  academically coordinated with Talli Yehuda Rosenbaum, an individual and couples therapist and sex therapist who is also a  physical therapist, included a balanced curriculum of sex therapists, gynecologists, educators, rabbinic authorities and much more.  

Every Thursday evening, a group of 19 women met for four hours with women coming from all over the country. The women included a reform rabbi, the usual assortment of national religious representatives from all ends of the spectrum (meaning with and without hair coverings, of course) as well as a mix of Sephardim and Ashkenazim. The women, largely in their thirties and forties, were therapists, social workers, educators, a doctor and women who work on the hot line for sexual abuse. I was privileged to be the only yoetzet in the group which allowed me to become a resource for Nidda questions almost immediately.

During the last session, woman after woman explained how the course was life changing for them. Therapists who had skirted around sexuality in the treatment room were now able to bring it front and center to the table. A social worker specializing in sexual abuse admitted that it was a relief to learn about normal sexuality. Several women said they were able to open up dialogue on these topics with their teenage and adult children in ways they had never been able to before. Many of the women laughingly said that their husbands waited up on Thursday night to hear the new information they had learned in the course. Although I had come into the course with a certain amount of information after finishing two years in Nishmat’s Yoetzet Halacha program, I found myself deepening and expanding my knowledge base and fine tuning facts that I had not fully absorbed.  A fellow yoetzet recently called to consult with me regarding a post-partum woman experiencing pain during relations. Brides whom I taught during this period were fortunate to receive far more explicit sexual information than I had ever given before. I felt like we were pioneers in a new venture that will have long-lasting effects on the Jewish world for years to come.  It is with tremendous regret that we parted ways on Thursday night. But a reunion is already in the works. I wonder what the topic will be?

לקורסים והשתלמויות במרכז יהל לחצו כאן!

הפוסט My impression from the course הופיע ראשון במרכז יהל

I have great respect for these Kallah (bride) and Chatan (groom) instructors, who devote themselves to the task of preparing young brides and grooms for marriage. Many young people, particularly in Orthodox society, do not receive much, if any sexual education, and may not feel comfortable discussing sex, or even possess the language or tools to ask for specifications or clarifications. Typically, Kallah teachers provide important information as well as emotional support and speak freely and comfortably about sex, thereby easing the apprehensions of their students

However, as a number of Kallah instructors have admitted, some Kallah teachers are un-intentionally sending incorrect, and possibly damaging messages The impact of negative sexual messages or misguided information, can last several years into marriage, as I have learned from my clinical practice as a couples and sex therapist. Following are examples of problematic statements that some Kallah teachers have said, as relayed to me by my clients:

Marriage is a re-birth.From now on all you will need is your husband.” Malka, * 19, married for 3 months, cried in my office. “I don’t know who I am supposed to be now. I look different, and I miss my friends and my family.” Marriage should not entail loss of family, friendships, or identity. You still are who you are. Do not expect your partner to be everything to you- lover, best friend, confidante and study partner. Spending time together and sharing common interests is great, but focusing on your own interests also is healthy.
“Never talk about your husband to your parents.” While individuation and separation are important to a healthy marriage, messages like these can be taken to an extreme. Sharona* spent years in an abusive marriage before finally confiding in her parents, who helped her seek the appropriate resources.

“Men want sex, but women want intimacy.” The message that sex is primarily for men ignores the natural sexual drive of women. In investigating the observance of the laws of Niddah, Dr. Naomi Marmon-Grumet of the Eden Center found that young men received the implicit message that sexual desire was healthy and natural (but was to be fulfilled only in the context of marriage) whereas young women reported that female sexuality was downplayed or not addressed. Yes, men like sex, but so do women; humans crave intimacy, which is about human connection and closeness.
“Always give your husband sex when he asks. Do what he wants, when he wants it.” While some educators emphasize the Torah obligation for a man to satisfy his wife, many Kallah instructors underscore the importance of women being available to their husbands when they desire sex. Sex is not something you ‘give’, but is an experience to be enjoyed together. If you are tired, not in the mood, aren’t enjoying, or are too upset with him to have sex, talk honestly and openly about your feelings. Communicating your feelings and feeling free to make boundaries, creates vulnerability and authenticity, which are key factors in building intimacy.
Firstly, sex is always negotiable. Secondly, all couples fight, and the challenge is learning how to navigate out of power struggles and create a path of mutual understanding. Tensions can run high, particularly when couples do not touch during the niddah timeframe. How about reframing ‘mikvah night’ as an opportunity to confront a possible conflict with the goal of looking forward to some make-up sex?
“Don’t engage in physical intimacy unless you are willing to have intercourse. It’s not fair to your husband and may make him sin.” Messages such as these can be destructive because a, they remove a woman’s autonomy and make her anxious about displaying affection and initiating hugs, and b, they imply that men have no control over themselves.
“Your husband will know what to do.” The ability to commence a healthy and satisfying sexual relationship depends on receiving accurate sexual information. Yet, according to results of a study that my colleagues and I conducted on women who observe family purity laws, 40% of the subjects in the study stated that they felt insufficiently prepared for the wedding night. If your Kallah instructor did not speak openly about sex, don’t depend on movies and the Internet. One can learn much more by reading a pre-marital guide such as Jenny Rosenfeld’s and Dr. David Ribner’s book “Et Le’ehov: A Newlywed’s Guide to Intimacy.” Resources such as Merkaz Yahel, which provides sexual education and instruction, are also valuable.
’Get it over with’ on the wedding night, even if it hurts. New couples may be nervous about first intercourse and making it sound as exciting as undergoing a root canal doesn’t help. Sexual intercourse need not be painful, if both partners are sufficiently aroused. For many couples, particularly ones who have not even held hands before marriage, the shift from complete abstinence to sexual intercourse can be overwhelming. Take your time. If there is persistent pain with intercourse, that is not normal, and should be checked out by a competent physician.
“Wear something sexy and don’t let on that you are nervous.” It is common in certain Orthodox circles for engaged girls to go to Victoria’s Secret with their mothers to purchase provocative sleepwear. Many young women find this experience to be mortifying. It’s better to be honest with your feelings, and if you are more comfortable in a t-shirt and pajama shorts on your wedding night, go for it. It’s sexier to be you.

“Strive for simultaneous climax during sexual intercourse” Sex is about pleasure, emotional intimacy and connection and it doesn’t make any difference that achieves orgasm first, or how you get there.

A few additional points: Sex should not feel like a test you must pass, or a goal you must accomplish. Sexual intimacy is a journey that you and your new husband will take together. It takes a lot of communication and patience, and it helps to have a sense of humor. Consummation can take several ‘tries’ and the ‘first time’ is not necessarily a singular event but a process. Don’t think that if it doesn’t go well, God is punishing you for ‘breaking shomer’. That will only cause your sexual arousal to be associated with guilt and conflict, and that’s no fun. Having fun, delighting in one another, and experiencing pleasure should be the focus, rather than performance

To the season’s brides and bridegrooms, Mazal Tov on your new lives together.

לקורסים והשתלמויות במרכז יהל לחצו כאן!

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לקורסים והשתלמויות במרכז יהל לחצו כאן!

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