Young couples - מרכז יהל

Mikve Night Starts in the Morning

michal — Wed, 22 Jun 2016 09:07:52 +0000

It’s mikve night! That much anticipated renewal of physical intimacy after a two week hiatus -or is it?

It’s 8 pm, the baby won’t go to sleep, the dinner dishes are piled in the sink, the 4 year old has a fever, there’s a file to be dealt with before work tomorrow, hubby isn’t home, it’s chodesh irgun and no babysitters are available and the mikve closes at 10.

Waiting for your turn, final preparations and then the mikve experience itself which can be fraught with emotion, for some draining, others exhilarating. On the way home eagerness may be growing. Or maybe it’s anxiety. Young couples who aren’t quite used to physical intimacy and are still shy and unsure may feel anxious about the renewal of intimacy. Older couples have anxieties of their own over performance or body image. And, maybe, things haven’t been so enjoyable or there are kinks in the relationship. Couples with a “commuter spouse” have extra challenges reconnecting.

Walking in the door and BAM the baby is still up, the dishes as they were, and hubby is home…asking, “What’s for dinner?” You finally make it to the bedroom, push aside the pile of unfolded laundry on the bed, lock the door and pray the baby doesn’t wake up or the teen doesn’t start clumping around the house. How much anticipation, eagerness and desire for physical and intimate connection are left?

This is why I say mikve night starts in the morning. The night before with a good night’s sleep. Two weeks before with a heart-to-heart chat and planning session.

Calling all husbands: mikve night is not only your wife’s “thing”. Remember the children’s story “The Little Red Hen”? If you aren’t going to help with the preparations, you don’t get the goodies at the end. Make it a point to come home early and take over the supper-bath-bedtime routine. (Yes, I know lots of men do this all the time. Others don’t.) Help with the math homework and do the dishes. Buy or prepare something yummy for your wife to eat when she gets home, because by the time she’s done at the mikve she is starving. A bouquet of flowers can’t hurt either. If you’re on a budget a “husband coupon” for a foot massage can go a long way and may ease your transition.

And, wives, men enjoy a flirty text or two and a mikve day treat. Everyone wants to feel thought about and desired. Write up some coupons of your own.

What is more important than all these suggestions? Take some time to think about what you need and want and translate ideas and feelings into concrete suggestions. Then, talk about it with your spouse. Not on mikve day when sexual, and, maybe, other tensions are running high. Choose a time when you are both receptive and able to work out a mutually agreed upon plan.

Discuss what each of you needs and wants in order to make mikve day and night a satisfying and anticipated experience. Mikve day sets the stage for mikve night. Foreplay takes on a whole new meaning.

לקורסים והשתלמויות במרכז יהל לחצו כאן!

הפוסט Mikve Night Starts in the Morning הופיע ראשון במרכז יהל

Lies my Kallah teacher told me: ten tips for new brides

michal — Tue, 31 May 2016 16:55:33 +0000

The wedding season is upon us, and along with tending to the details of invitations, dresses, flowers and music, many engaged couples prepare for marital life by attending private or group classes with a premarital instructor. In addition to teaching the laws of family purity and mikvah (the ritual bath), many instructors provide some sexual education and instruction and tips for ‘shlom bayit,’ which literally means ‘a peaceful home’ but refers to marital harmony.

I have great respect for these Kallah (bride) and Chatan (groom) instructors, who devote themselves to the task of preparing young brides and grooms for marriage. Many young people, particularly in Orthodox society, do not receive much, if any sexual education, and may not feel comfortable discussing sex, or even possess the language or tools to ask for specifications or clarifications. Typically, Kallah teachers provide important information as well as emotional support and speak freely and comfortably about sex, thereby easing the apprehensions of their students

However, as a number of Kallah instructors have admitted, some Kallah teachers are un-intentionally sending incorrect, and possibly damaging messages The impact of negative sexual messages or misguided information, can last several years into marriage, as I have learned from my clinical practice as a couples and sex therapist. Following are examples of problematic statements that some Kallah teachers have said, as relayed to me by my clients:

Marriage is a re-birth.From now on all you will need is your husband.” Malka, * 19, married for 3 months, cried in my office. “I don’t know who I am supposed to be now. I look different, and I miss my friends and my family.” Marriage should not entail loss of family, friendships, or identity. You still are who you are. Do not expect your partner to be everything to you- lover, best friend, confidante and study partner. Spending time together and sharing common interests is great, but focusing on your own interests also is healthy.
“Never talk about your husband to your parents.” While individuation and separation are important to a healthy marriage, messages like these can be taken to an extreme. Sharona* spent years in an abusive marriage before finally confiding in her parents, who helped her seek the appropriate resources.

“Men want sex, but women want intimacy.” The message that sex is primarily for men ignores the natural sexual drive of women. In investigating the observance of the laws of Niddah, Dr. Naomi Marmon-Grumet of the Eden Center found that young men received the implicit message that sexual desire was healthy and natural (but was to be fulfilled only in the context of marriage) whereas young women reported that female sexuality was downplayed or not addressed. Yes, men like sex, but so do women; humans crave intimacy, which is about human connection and closeness.
“Always give your husband sex when he asks. Do what he wants, when he wants it.” While some educators emphasize the Torah obligation for a man to satisfy his wife, many Kallah instructors underscore the importance of women being available to their husbands when they desire sex. Sex is not something you ‘give’, but is an experience to be enjoyed together. If you are tired, not in the mood, aren’t enjoying, or are too upset with him to have sex, talk honestly and openly about your feelings. Communicating your feelings and feeling free to make boundaries, creates vulnerability and authenticity, which are key factors in building intimacy.
Firstly, sex is always negotiable. Secondly, all couples fight, and the challenge is learning how to navigate out of power struggles and create a path of mutual understanding. Tensions can run high, particularly when couples do not touch during the niddah timeframe. How about reframing ‘mikvah night’ as an opportunity to confront a possible conflict with the goal of looking forward to some make-up sex?
“Don’t engage in physical intimacy unless you are willing to have intercourse. It’s not fair to your husband and may make him sin.” Messages such as these can be destructive because a, they remove a woman’s autonomy and make her anxious about displaying affection and initiating hugs, and b, they imply that men have no control over themselves.
“Your husband will know what to do.” The ability to commence a healthy and satisfying sexual relationship depends on receiving accurate sexual information. Yet, according to results of a study that my colleagues and I conducted on women who observe family purity laws, 40% of the subjects in the study stated that they felt insufficiently prepared for the wedding night. If your Kallah instructor did not speak openly about sex, don’t depend on movies and the Internet. One can learn much more by reading a pre-marital guide such as Jenny Rosenfeld’s and Dr. David Ribner’s book “Et Le’ehov: A Newlywed’s Guide to Intimacy.” Resources such as Merkaz Yahel, which provides sexual education and instruction, are also valuable.
’Get it over with’ on the wedding night, even if it hurts. New couples may be nervous about first intercourse and making it sound as exciting as undergoing a root canal doesn’t help. Sexual intercourse need not be painful, if both partners are sufficiently aroused. For many couples, particularly ones who have not even held hands before marriage, the shift from complete abstinence to sexual intercourse can be overwhelming. Take your time. If there is persistent pain with intercourse, that is not normal, and should be checked out by a competent physician.
“Wear something sexy and don’t let on that you are nervous.” It is common in certain Orthodox circles for engaged girls to go to Victoria’s Secret with their mothers to purchase provocative sleepwear. Many young women find this experience to be mortifying. It’s better to be honest with your feelings, and if you are more comfortable in a t-shirt and pajama shorts on your wedding night, go for it. It’s sexier to be you.

“Strive for simultaneous climax during sexual intercourse” Sex is about pleasure, emotional intimacy and connection and it doesn’t make any difference that achieves orgasm first, or how you get there.

A few additional points: Sex should not feel like a test you must pass, or a goal you must accomplish. Sexual intimacy is a journey that you and your new husband will take together. It takes a lot of communication and patience, and it helps to have a sense of humor. Consummation can take several ‘tries’ and the ‘first time’ is not necessarily a singular event but a process. Don’t think that if it doesn’t go well, God is punishing you for ‘breaking shomer’. That will only cause your sexual arousal to be associated with guilt and conflict, and that’s no fun. Having fun, delighting in one another, and experiencing pleasure should be the focus, rather than performance

To the season’s brides and bridegrooms, Mazal Tov on your new lives together.

לקורסים והשתלמויות במרכז יהל לחצו כאן!

הפוסט Lies my Kallah teacher told me: ten tips for new brides הופיע ראשון במרכז יהל

Ten Tips for Raising Sexually Healthy Orthodox Daughters

web3d_admin — Sun, 22 May 2016 19:41:50 +0000

Originally published in Times of Israel
As a sex therapist treating women and couples in the Orthodox community, I am confronted daily with the seeming paradox of messages regarding tzniut (loosely defined as modesty) and healthy sexuality.
Young couples that are socialized against premarital physical intimacy, and receive little or no formal sexual education, are expected to engage in, and hopefully even enjoy, complete sexual relations immediately after marriage. They may experience a cognitive dissonance around sex, leading to difficulties in sexual functioning.
I highlighted this conflict at a recent lecture to women in my own community, who gathered to learn more about how to enhance marital intimacy. I spoke about how sexuality is not just about engaging in physical relations but encompasses several domains of development which include, among many other factors, positive body image, confidence, and security. I suggested that while modesty in dress and behavior are legitimate values, they should not be taught in ways that shame, blame, objectify, or instill fear regarding male lust.
A few weeks after the lecture, I received the following query from one of the participants:
One issue that you mentioned when I heard you speak left an impression on me. You said that despite raising our daughters with a sense of tzniut and appropriate behavior before marriage, we also want to raise them with a healthy sense of their sexuality and, later, a healthy understanding of and attitude toward sex, before they are sexually active. This seems like a big challenge! If you could share some of your wisdom, I’m sure many would appreciate it.”
Is this really a challenge? Must tzniut messages and values proscribing premarital sex result in dysfunctional sexuality after marriage?
This question comes up often, and most recently was re-visited in apassionate blog post by Dr. Elana Sztokman, who points out that “Orthodox women are socialized into constant, excessive pressure to cover and comport our bodies…Our bodies are a thing to be feared and covered and talked about.”
With all those negative messages, Dr. Sztokman ponders, how are women supposed to be sexually uninhibited and free once they are married? “All that obsessive cover is magically transformed into the secret kallah (bridal preparation) classes, where you learn that you’re going to be getting naked in front of your new husband and having sex.”
These are important and legitimate questions and it’s time to consider solutions. The first step is to dispel the expectation that sexual education begins with the kallah instructor. The road to development of healthy sexuality begins at home. Sexual development begins at conception and how we as parents raise our daughters from infancy can shape their sexual sense of self.
Here are ten tips to consider from early childhood through adolescence, and upon marriage:
Acknowledge what feels good: Validate your child’s senses. Whether its back tickling, bubble baths, the smell of a jasmine flower, or the warm sun shining down on a chilly day, point out how wonderful it is to feel physically pleasant sensations. Teach girls to experience and not just accomplish things. Do not stop or discourage your daughter from self-genital stimulation. It’s normal. When appropriate, you can explain that it’s a “private” activity.
Touch: Touch is a basic human need and the ability to receive and feel safe with touch is basic to sexuality. Hugging, cuddling, massages at the spa for her 16th birthday, help prepare young women for sexual life. I was recently told that teachers at some ulpanot (religious girl’s high school) discourage hugs between students. Teaching girls to respect each other’s boundaries is good, but a completely touch-free environment is not. It is amazing how many young brides are unable to engage in sexual touch because they are not used to ever being touched at all.
Facilitate a positive body image: Do not disparage your daughter’s physical qualities, ask her if she really “needs” a second portion of dessert, or tell her she should lose weight if she wants to find a husband. Women come in all shapes and sizes, and health, not thinness, should be encouraged. Be a positive role model and never say, “I am so fat” in front of your daughters.
Exercise (and wear what you want in the gym): Girls need to know their bodies, feel strong and in control, and comfortable within their own skin. Don’t say, “don’t swing your hips that way, its not modest.” Say yes to Zumba, belly dancing, yoga, and let girls be comfortable in shorts and tank tops. All these activities are available in girls- and women-only settings. Discourage heavy outerwear or “modest pool wear” at women’s only swim. What for? Save the bathing skirts for family beach outings.
Let her primp: Be patient with your daughter’s need for personal space and time spent getting dressed and “primping.” Often, this behavior merely reflects teens’ attempts to maintain some sense of control over their rapidly changing bodies.
Talk about sex and genitals: When kids ask questions about sex, parents should provide open and honest answers at a level appropriate to the child’s age. If adults do not provide accurate information, children are forced to rely on their peers or other potentially inaccurate sources. And don’t whitewash body parts. You can say vulva and vagina and explain the difference. How else can she tell you if something hurts or itches if she doesn’t have the language for that body part? Acknowledge it, or it won’t exist for her. And don’t tell her that tampons are only for after marriage. This also sends the message that her genitals are currently irrelevant.
Use media as an opportunity: When you let kids watch violent scenes in a movie, but run to turn off the TV if there is a kissing scene, you send a negative message. Who was kissing and what was the context? This is a great opportunity to talk about values around sex, normative feelings of desire and arousal, as well as how to teach about boundaries. If you see an advertisement of a half naked woman selling a product, rather than “prutza* shame” the model, use the opportunity to talk about the objectification of women’s bodies in advertising.
Model healthy sexuality: Let your kids see that you and your partner love and are attracted to one another and don’t be afraid to kiss and hug when they are around. Even if they act averse, don’t believe it; deep down, kids love to see that their parents are affectionate. Lest you think this can only work in modern Orthodox households, even Haredi couples, who traditionally don’t show physical affection in front of kids, can send positive messages with affectionate words and behavior.
Encourage your daughters to “tell me what you want, what you really, really want”: To enjoy sex, one need to be able to say things like “this feels good” or “this is uncomfortable”. If girls do not learn the language of asking for, or anticipating that their needs be met, they will have a hard time experiencing pleasure.
Don’t frame Nidda laws as “protective”: Dr. Sztokman states “You go from one extreme to the other without anything in between. …there is no such thing as affection which is not sexual — a man is not even supposed to pass the salt to his wife when he can’t have sex with her because you never know where passing the salt can lead to.” However, you wish to explain the “harchakot”**, let’s not attribute them to the need to make boundaries. That makes the perceived force of touch as turning immediately to sexual intercourse into something scary and uncontrollable, and can create anxiety in many young women, particularly as they return home from the mikvah.
Encourage autonomy: In order to say yes, you have to have the option to say no.If a woman is told that she must “provide” sex because her husband expects, wants and needs it, she will understand that her body does not belong to her, and this will affect her ability to view sex positively.
—
* loosely, the Jewish version of slut
**Rabbinic proscriptions against physical closeness during menstrual bleeding and 7 days thereafter prior to immersion in the mikvah

לקורסים והשתלמויות במרכז יהל לחצו כאן!

הפוסט Ten Tips for Raising Sexually Healthy Orthodox Daughters הופיע ראשון במרכז יהל